25 days to go until I move out for university, while I’ve had mostly positive days I have experienced a couple of speed bumps along the way. I have struggled with myself a little bit these past couple of weeks when I was tormenting myself over my feelings on the move and how I want to go about the transition. Recently I talked to my mum about my anxieties, it’s been a while since I shared my feelings with her and I was glad to find out she was more than proud of my accomplishments up until now and was looking forward to my adventures. This proclamation sparked my sudden interest in ‘self-development’ a series of tasks, hobbies, challenges and adventures that I’ve designated to myself to, well, develop myself. Although I have a variety of interests and hobbies few of them are actually note-worthy. So, in the midst of all of the panic, frustration and general anxiety for my transition to university life on my own I have begun my research for projects and adventures to work on once I have settled down in my new home.
I imagine it may sound preachy or self-indulgent of me to call this ‘project’ a ‘self-development’ task. But there is a reason that I hope others can appreciate and associate with. The feeling of not being enough. I have been plagued with these thoughts for years, I’m the middle child of three girls with the gap between me and my younger sister being sixteen years. While my older sister is finishing her masters in art and digital media and my younger sister being a bundle of happiness, sunshine and fun, I find myself feeling dull and outshone and as a middle child feel like I’ll be competing with my siblings for a while. I don’t consider myself to be particularly special or significant, if anything I’m rather dull and don’t leave a memorable impression on people. I realized that although I do have my interests that perhaps I am bland and unsociable and even slightly withdrawn because I’ve never really participated in anything outside of school. I never met like-minded people in clubs or group conversations because I never really bothered to try when I was in school. Being a target of bullying my whole twenty years of life made me weary of people and new situations and I became lax and uninterested in meeting people, which I now regret. I want to meet people and I want to be someone that brings happiness and hope to people in situations that need a friend, because I never really had anyone to help me through my own struggles and now that the pain of those memories has subsided I realize that I would hate to think of those around me struggling alone like I did.
I’m terrified of what I’ve planned for myself, everything is as far out of my comfort zone that I can barely see the line I crossed to get to this situation. I’ll share my plans soon, and I hope you can get ideas and look forward to them with me because as my adventures and life progress I’ll be sure to post my updates regularly, along with proof of my achievements so that I can make those around me proud too.