Another countdown begins and today marks 19 days before the move and today hasn’t been the best day. I consider myself slowly becoming more optimistic, had I began writing a couple of years ago it would be much different content and I doubt I would have continued past the first post in all honesty. But today has been the first bad day I’ve had in several weeks which despite my slight annoyance that I broke my streak of optimism and self-encouragement I know there will always be the odd day or moment when I feel like this so I want to share this little problem and how, by the end of the day, I managed to come around. I’ve struggled a long time with my self-confidence and image, genetically I am large in weight though my diet is considered perfect for health and weight loss and I cycle almost every day. For a long time I had shrugged off my worries about my lack of progress on my weight loss and had considered the fact that perhaps I was losing weight just not visibly and then I considered that perhaps it was just impossible for someone with my genetics to lose weight. In the past few months I turned my interest from Jrock (Japanese rock music) to Kpop (Korean pop music) and my self-consciousness quickly returned after watching beautiful men with the energy of athletes dance and run and generally look amazing. How can I even start to compare to people like that when I constantly feel like I resemble an engorged slug? So today was a particularly difficult day when I didn’t want to eat or do anything other than bike my guilt away.
I always like looking at cool workouts online but with my self-consciousness I can only really do a full workout when I’m on my own. I find motivation and workouts I want to try but by the time I get around to doing them I feel my motivation and confidence quickly plummet and I quickly return to plain cycling which, in all honesty, I don’t think the floor bike does much for me at this point. With university so close I can’t help but wonder what others will think of me and whether, on our many trips to the sea to research, if I’ll be able to keep up on the hikes, so perhaps that played its part in my sudden wave of fear today.
I always feel repulsive when I meet people, I always worry if I look lazy or ugly or if they’ve picked a part of me to stare at in disgust while we talk so I had hoped I would have at least made enough progress with my fitness that these thoughts lessened but apparently not, and now I worry more than ever that I will be just as lonely and friendless as I have been in the past 14+ years in education. I’d like to think my slowly improving social abilities and personality would help but even that doesn’t comfort me much over the anxiety of the move.
I had a long time to think about this particular problem, I know I’m working hard to achieve my fitness goal while also looking after my wellbeing (a lesson that took me years to learn, health comes from a bunch of aspects of life) and I also know that my problem isn’t what I’m eating so I just need to continue working hard with my fitness and keep improving my lifestyle where I can. Making more of an effort to drink more water and green tea and making an effort to at least try foods that I don’t usually eat that could help. I know it won’t always be this easy to reason with myself and there’s always the chance that I’ll wake up in the morning feeling sorry for myself and feeling just as unmotivated as today but I want to still try hard and work towards my goal so that I can say one day that I am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been.
I know a lot of people have these problems, worrying about weight and appearances will always be an issue in society in my opinion. So look in the mirror on your bad day and tell yourself five things you like about yourself because when you look close enough you will find some things to love even when you don’t love yourself. But never forget through your anxiety and worries that the most beautiful thing you can change about yourself is making yourself happy and healthy, because with those things your self-respect will naturally follow and so will your self-confidence. There will be days that everyone feels out of sorts and disappointed in themselves but one or two missed days of exercise or a day or snacking won’t undo your hard work, you can give yourself some flexibility and not feel guilty because those days off are the days that will give you even more strength the next time you pick up those weights or walk into your gym.