Leaving Party And Thoughts on ‘Goodbye’s

Friday was tough, I didn’t expect to get as emotional as I did, especially considering for the entire day I was actually in a pretty foul mood while finishing packing and waiting for people to arrive. I’ve moved quite a lot but I’ve never really been able to go through the process on my own, and although I did do most of the unpacking on my own I did get excited at the prospect that the next time I move it will be on my own as an adult.

So the party, it was fun but with one child at the party never looking up from his tablet (how special do I feel?) and the other popping every balloon in the room I had a hard time enjoying what should have been a calm leaving gathering. I did enjoy seeing friends and family though, although the party wasn’t as big as I thought since it will be my last one at home it was just as special and great.

Saying goodbye has never really been hard for me, when my parents divorced, whenever I moved homes to different family members. I think at this point, with everything I have been through in my life and everything I have seen and dealt with, perhaps goodbyes just don’t mean anything to me anymore or maybe I’ve just learnt to become detached from people. I won’t lie though, for the first time in a while, it was hard to say goodbye. Friday was the last time I would see my mum until Christmas, I know it doesn’t seem like a lot now, but the last time I left her for ‘a short amount of time’ it ended up being three years. I think the thought of her not being there when I got back crushed me and it brought back memories I had tried to quell for years back to the surface.

I hadn’t really suffered much on the run up to the party, I hadn’t had any particular stresses or anxiety other than the odd bout caused by boredom but it felt like by the end of the party everything was going wrong in my head. I was sick, my anxiety kept me from sleeping and my depression came back full force with an night full of self-doubt and regret. Maybe it was because I hadn’t really prepared myself and i had got lax in my preparations for the move but it was a particularly difficult parting, adding that my mum took our kitten and older cat home with her (my sister will be moving back in with her for a while while she finds work) so the house was especially empty and quiet that night.

I’m glad my mum opened up to me before I left, her pride in my decisions and strength helped me in particular with the move and I felt relieved to know how she really felt about me after being away from home for three years. I think I needed to hear it though because I gained some surprising self-respect and courage afterwards.

I think if I could say anything about moving away from home, especially for university, it would be that there will always be people believing in you and your choice and you’ll never be alone in your choices. There will always be support and appreciation for you and you should never leave with unresolved problems and unsaid thoughts because you’ll regret it once your chance has passed.

Be happy, healthy and hopeful
~AJ

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