I haven’t posted in a while, sorry. But I’ve found that recently I have very little to say. Lessons are interesting and going well but other than that it feels like most of my time is spent doing nothing because I’m literally haunted by anxiety at the moment. I can’t eat, that’s the main outcome of the anxiety I have. I hate eating around people, cooking around people, even being around when others are eating or cooking makes me feel sick from anxiety. So I’ve been struggling to eat. I have just been hauled up in my bedroom waiting for my dormmates to get out of the kitchen so I can get something to eat and with it being the weekend they take up the kitchen until stupid times from the afternoon well into the night to drink. So I won’t be eating tonight. I had the idea of going shopping and getting some pre-prepared stuff that I can keep in my room and eat when I can’t get into the kitchen but the thought makes me even more anxious and the fact that I don’t have any drinks in my room makes it even harder.
I’ve tried to play it off cool, especially to my friends and family. Playing it off as being nervous or shy or even just forgetting to eat but it’s getting to the point where the anxiety of waiting for the kitchen to be free is almost as bad as just going in there and just grabbing something while they watch. I physically cannot function in my dorm. I don’t want to tell people, especially my new friends that seem to find it hard to understand why I’m having so much trouble with this. But I don’t know any other way to solve this. My entire university life rests on me being able to call people or e-mail people and find the right people to help me with something and yet I can’t even face the people my own age that I live with. With every passing day my anxieties grow and I can function less and less. I can’t wash my clothes because I fear people watching me, I can’t go shopping because I’m terrified of getting lost. I had hoped for so long that when I got to university I would be a fully functioning adult and my anxieties would melt away…sadly…that isn’t the case and I just find myself struggling even more.
Ironically I know where I can go to for help but even that terrifies me and I can’t bring myself to even e-mail them for help. I have no idea what my future holds if I can’t even get past this.
So today is neither an informative post or a positive one. It’s just a little update on what has become of me in my first two weeks of university and I think I’m starting to regret it.
Be happy, healthy and hopeful,