Today’s Morning Mantra!
“The most beautiful view comes after the hardest climb” ~Anon
So recently I’ve found myself in a peculiar situation between a renewed sense of self-motivation, positivity and inspiration and that of regret and self-loathing. I’ve been wondering for a while since things have been going wrong if I made the right choice. I’m far away from home, my course is crazy difficult and almost two months in I am genuinely wondering whether I did the right thing. I say a lot, especially recently, about my distaste in my course, my aggravation and unease that has been surrounding me recently but today I was given a chance to reorganize my thoughts and it feels like now my perspective is a lot clearer. I got too ahead of myself, wanted results too quickly that I had forgotten the whole point of this experience. I didn’t come here to outdo those around me, I didn’t travel nearly 400 miles to hate myself and regret this decision that, in all truth was probably the best choice I could have made for myself. I came here to study and grow as a person and scientist. My goal shouldn’t be to compete with my friends, I should be competing with myself to get better and stronger, smarter and healthier but I think in the fog of my self-hatred I had forgotten these things.
I had received a lot of support and respect since making the decision to move to go to university, family, friends, even strangers have all supported me and my choices and I realized that I am not thanking them, my negativity and self-doubt are not thanking the many people who are behind me and supporting me so I want to prove my self worth now, not just to everyone else but to myself. I have done a lot in the past few months that I never thought was possible, I fought depression, battled PTSD, soothed anxiety and eased paranoia all inside of my own head. I battled a lot internally while battling externally with my health, with my choices and with my future. I didn’t know where I wanted to be, I was happy with letting things turn out however they wanted but as I think back it’s extremely selfish to wish for an easy life, thinking that life would give me a break because I was struggling but in reality, nothing comes out of living in ease…challenges, doubt, anxiety and wonder all feed our inner curiosity and that’s what makes us learn and grow and strive for better things in life whether it’s money, happiness, experiences or knowledge.
I’m learning, slowly but surely I’m reorganizing my life and adapting. I rushed into things when I first arrived and maybe it set me off on the wrong path from the start. I was so caught up in myself I really just forgot to live and to let myself work through things, I rushed myself to adapt but I ended up just struggling even more and started to doubt myself more but now I’m taking it slowly and I’ll sort out my life in my own time and take my time to just enjoy the process of university and re-imagining myself in a new light to achieve what I can and that will be challenging and hard and I don’t doubt that sometimes I’ll want to give up or I’ll struggle but that’s the process of self-development and I hope you guys along with my friends and family will be behind me to support me as I hope I can support you all too in your own adventures and struggles.
Be happy, healthy and hopeful