Taking A Deep Breath

11/1/2017

Today’s morning mantra!
“Somewhere inside all of us is the power to change the world” ~Roald Dahl

I’m going admit, when the New Year started I just wished with all of my heart that somehow I could be fixed and that somehow overnight I could become the person I have dreamed of for years. I wanted more than anything to just be successful and to be able to survive without feeling that at every moment I could lose myself again. Living with mental illnesses, especially a concoction of them, makes every so much harder when in reality they probably shouldn’t be. Little things turn into a two hour crying session and stress turns into a sleepless night wondering whether, if you ran fast enough, no-one would find you and you could maybe start again. Or perish with your fears.

Exam times have always been stressful for everyone, even those that spends days or weeks preparing. For me, when I did my exams in high school I was also in the middle of a very difficult legal battle. I had to leave home, move in with a distant relative that was emotionally and verbally abusive and spent most of my days at school, not at school. Spending my final high school days drifting between counselling, meetings with police and a court case that all hung over my head so I did pretty poorly for my GCSEs. Now that I’m back into exams I can feel the stresses from then returning. I find myself even more stressed than I would usually be, sleepless nights full of nightmares and daydreams that are sometimes even worse than the nightmares. I am struggling. And I think that I’m at my lowest people everyone else around me is also struggling and you can tell from the bags under their eyes and the pre-exam jitters that’s forcing five cups of coffee down their throats at 6am. The life of a student.

However, I feel like even with all of the stresses and the sleepless night. Even with the hours of crying only to finish and panic that instead of revision I’ve been sobbing my heart into my childhood teddy for comfort. I don’t think I’d change this for the world. I’m slowly growing, and eventually, with time, effort and patience, I will one day outgrow the many demons in my head. I don’t doubt for a second that thanks to the opportunities I’m given I will one day be able to say that I conquered my demons, my anxiety and my depression. I have a long way to go, and at the moment these goals seem so far away. But I am intent that one day I will realise that things have been getting easier for me.

I’ve become very self-critical lately, not specifically to myself but to what I say. I’m am learning, slowly but surely, how to deal with my more negative thoughts. I think the blog is helping with that, I’d hate to just write a negative post and leave it there for everyone to see, that’s not why I write. I want to get something out of these posts, I want YOU to get something out of them. That’s why, no matter what the situation, I do try my hardest to think on the bright side and offer my perspective to all of you in as many ways as I can. Your likes and views mean a lot to me, it means people are listening to me and I hope it means that people are also learning from my mistakes. I hope one day we’ll be able to share our stories and life lessons together, while I am learning on my own I do enjoy to learn from other people, whether you have travel tips or about your country. Whether you want to tell me about this cheap student meal you once made or how you dealt with your problems. I want to learn and I want to share those lessons. That’s what being On The Right Track is…it’s about learning and teaching and while you make your own path in life, the track you want to lead, it’s about helping others make theirs too. No-one needs to figure things out on their own, life is much scarier and sadder on your own.

While I talk, or rather, while I write about learning from my mistakes…maybe I haven’t been very good at that. I try to learn from myself, but I’ve realised I’m very limited in my knowledge. I know about health and the mind but really I’m clueless in everything else. But I hope this, these entries I leave for you all…I hope this is one thing I DO know.

Be happy, healthy and hopeful

~AJ

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