Nervous about change

11/3/2017

Today’s morning mantra!
“The moment when you want to quit, is the moment when you need to keep pushing”-Anon

A lot has happened recently and I feel like I can’t keep track of everything, when one thing seems to settle something else always comes up and I’m constantly feeling like I can’t get a break between these hectic bursts of problems and activity. I took a pause from blogging to re-energize and to get my creativity back but once I stopped it was hard for me to pick it back up again. A lot has gone on since my last post, my therapist left campus and I am now back to dealing with my mental health on my own, I’ve had many meetings with therapists, doctors and counsellors to try to get help that actually works. I’m a week away from my next lot of exams and I have tickets to go home for Spring break for two weeks before another lot of exams in May. It’s exhausting. But while everything is happening and I’m having more issues thrown at me I feel like slowly but surely I’m managing myself and I’m learning how to cope better. I’m learning things now about life that I would never get the chance to learn if I wasn’t having a difficult time right now, so in a way, I’m quite thankful to have the chance to prove to myself that I can cope and that I can be ok even with the stresses of university piling on top of me.

So a small update on what’s been going on.

I failed two exams, barely passed the other two. Yes it was rough. I was so angry at myself and disappointed I was so ready to leave. I felt like I’d never amount to anything while I was here and that I’d just continue to fail. I felt like every time I blamed the PTSD that came me awake most of the night or the depression that kept me in bed most of the day or even the anxiety that kept me from focusing when I did manage to work that it was all just one big excuse. I can’t control it. But in my mind I should. It’s a task in itself for me to focus some days, especially when it’s around a time where I have a lot of things going on all at once, so the exams ended up coming at a time where I just wasn’t in the right mind TO revise. I did well revising on one exam but it was a pretty fast downward spiral from there in terms of productivity. After the exams I had a period of about three weeks where my anxiety and depression suddenly flared, I missed lectures, spent most of my time exhausted in my room not able to sleep but not wanting to get up and do something, so I lost a lot of time to that rut where I physically couldn’t bring myself to do much other than mope and get annoyed at myself for not working harder. After my couple of weeks in a mental trench I got back into the terms lectures, I love my classes this term and other than one tutor who, without fail, always sends me to sleep I was doing well. I revised daily and had a pretty consistent social life and even made an effort to spend time with my dorm mates. Another couple of days in another dark rut and suddenly things started to ease up a bit, I spent more time with my friend, I made an effort in lectures, I was having more meetings to try and get some help for my medical issues and with the study material I was struggling with and here we are. I feel bad for not returning to writing sooner, I don’t know whether it actually made any difference to you guys but for me I love writing and I love trying to help with it. So I’m back and I guess from now on we’ll just take it a day at a time and see what happens. I will be posting three days a week minimum from now on, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, but there may be times when I post extra content. As more of you guys read and give me feedback I’ll start working on editing my posts and offering new content.

Thanks for sticking with me and I’m sorry for leaving you all for so long, let’s work hard now that I’m back.

Be happy, healthy and hopeful
~AJ

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